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TEN CENTS. 



GUIDE UP SALT RIVER 

a CANNON shot. 

BLA ND and eloquent in-VEST. 




contents: 
Ode to the 
Setting Son. 

Jake Braun 

der 

Bolitisluui 

Der Base 
Silber 
Ball Khib. 

Obadiali 
Hayrake. 

Menu 
of the 
Steamer 
Toboggan 
Slide. 



A SETTING SON. 

The Sun of the East ascended on, high, 
But the Setting Son goes out on the fly; 

Stiti ,o your party through thick and thin. 
And gaze on the duffer that didn't win. 

1 with the Compliments of 

lT river guide, 5 Euclid Ave No. 14, Cleveland, Ohio. 



Copyright, iSq6, by W. K. JUDSON. All rights reserved. 



A GUIDE 

i- Up Salt River 

Illustrated with some of the Broadest Features 
Developed during the Campaign. 



a CANNON shot, 
BLAND and eloquent in- VEST. 

J 896. 



A List of the Presidential Candidates. 
I^epublican 

WM. McKINLEY— Ohio -President. 
G. A. HOBART — New Jersey — Vice President. 



,0 



Democratic — Populist 

WM. J. BRYAN— Xeb.— President. 



^ Y wivi. J. Drn2Vi> — ^>eo. — rresiueni. 

j • b ARTHUR SEWALL— Me.-Vice President. 

Y^'^ ^ THOS. E. WATSON -Ga.— Vice President. 

National Democrats 

JOHN M. PALMER— HI.— President. 
SIMON P. BUCKNER— Kv.— Vice President. 



Prohibition 

JOSHUA LEVERING— Md.— President. 
HALE JOHNSON— 111.— Vice President. 



Socialist Labor 

C. E. MATCHETT—N. Y.— President. 
MATHEW MAGUIRE— N. J.— Vice President. 



National Party. ^ 

C. E. BENTLEY— Neb.— President. ^fsTCffi" i 

J. H. SOUTHGATE— N. C— Vicd President. 

/Iddre$$: /I Guide Up Salt River. 

5 Euclid Ave., Room 14. Cleveland, O. 

Copyright 1896 by W. E. Judson. All rights reserved. 



Ell I) 

■JVi 



ir)f]?0elucfi0r). 

Full instructions given the benighted politician 
whose affections have been trifled with by the suffrage 
of his enthusiastic admirers. Gratuitous advice 
offered those whose destination is unknown before 
canvas, through the canvas, and after the canvas are 
Billed farther West. We cordially invite the atten- 
tion of the unsuspecting public to a full understanding 
of the subject displayed on ihe frontispiece. On be- 
half of the National Committee we beg to advise you, 
that the Revenue Cutter General Deficiency may be 
chartered for duck hunting and fishing. Emergency 
bait free {message to Congress). Horizontal reduction 
and innocuous desuetude ballast. Split tickets sold and 
baggage checked up Salt River. Special rates made 
with junketing committees on still hunts, and travel- 
ers to the great political Mecca. 




THE SETTING SON. 

The Sun of the East ascended on high, 
But the Setting Son goes out on the fly; 

Stick to your party through thick and thin, 
And gaze on the duffer that didn't win. 



We dedicate these lines to the jaded tribe 
Who scooped at the poles are destined to slide, 

The Sun of the East has ascended on high, 
But the setting Son goes out on the fly; 

Though wingless you know he sails out of sight, 
For we assist him with votes, to take his flight. 

The campaign opened with a shout and a bang, 
And candidates that are left, in efBgy must hang; 

So fall into line, with your hoop-la-hoo 

And support the great party and blow your bazoo. 

The bobs and the nabobs appeared in their caps 
And marched through the streets without mishaps ; 

They fell into columns in magnificent style. 
And flanking the bar, took another smile. 

There was currency Tom who hails from Ivorain, 
Who riding a rail joined in the refrain ; 

His pants were too short to play billiards or pool. 
But they showed up broad and dyed in the wool. 

He met his companions who were out on a .steal. 
With whiskey and cigars, his constituents to feel ; 

His mugwump friend who siood well in 

Slid up to the side board and hooked on with his chin. 

A swap is made with liquor for votes, 

And the new fledged citizens are bunched like goats, 

On the d-ay of election the tocsin is sounded ; 
Some candidates fall and some party pounded. 

They drop out of sight with a silent grin 
Having lost their starch and lost all their vim. 

5 



With breeches turned up and collars turned down, 
They touched in the middle and touched all around ; 

There was Hi-Hi-Metaty and Shaknasty Jim 

Who knocked out the crown and borrowed the rim. 

At the sound of the gong, they start further West, 
With grips well packed, 'tis all lor the best ; 

The tramps and the heroes, all mixed in the batch. 
Can nurse their bile and new conspiracies hatch. 

Snowed in, snowed under, it hailed and it blew, 
The gale split the ticket and Bryan went through ; 

The wreck at Chicago was viewed with regret, 
Where the Tammany braves struck camp in a pet, 

A day will be spent at "Pike's Peak or bust," 
To nurse the weary and rub off the rust. 

Where judge hand me down for revision I suppose. 
Is found picking out thorns from his cross and crown 
clothes ; 

With Chin-ga-oh-Jack and Papago belles, 

They will rankwith the chiefs and rank with the smells. 

Judge Baker is there with cast-iron rule. 

To gauge the unwashed and salt down the school ; 

The Chief Injustice, whom we know very well. 

May sentence them to Yuma — the next place to hell. 

With "G" strings as costumes in comfortable fix. 
They can sit on the banks, and bank on the styx. 

Political mummies on deck at each hand, 
A sail up Salt River will cure the band. 

There "Sway-back Charlie," with nautical zeal, 
Trod the decks like a tar and a tartar to steal 

Some feathers from the hat of the silver fool, 
Who slipped through his platform — fell in the pool; 

They fished him up by the slack of the pants. 
And wrung him out for the Popocrats. 

6 



The Foxes and Crows, the Blackfeet and Shawnee, 
The Utes and Piutes, the Comanches, you see, 

Nakemas, Nez Percez, Hualapais and Wallawallas, 
The Pawnee braves and Apache Chiracahuas, 

There Sioux and Shoshonees, and the red skin gang, 
Walked the decks in splendor, till the dinner bell rang. 

They rushed to the fare and fared with the best, 
Ate grasshopper soup and mule steak like the rest. 

Little Yellow Dog sat with Standing Bear, 
And neither had anything fit to wear ; 

While Yellowstone Sid and Rattlesnake Cy, 
Downed all the hash and ate all the pie. 

Three sheets in the wind — there was Crockodile Bill, 
Who hugged the table and got his fill, 

Then Cocopah Phil appeared, don't you know. 
To deliver a speech and a knock-out blow. 

When Arrapahoe Dave got into the racket. 
And dealt him a blow with a golden packet ; 

Then Si-wash Bandana arose with a boast. 
And toasted his shins and roasted his host. 

He planted his feet on top of the board. 

While the musicians performed with an empty goard ; 

The banquet was closed in a free fight for all, 
As they fought for the boodle and the silver ball. 




SENATOR SOURMASH. 



Senator Sonnnash of Kentucky will deliver A/.s addrei^s on 
the "Issues of the day," a dyed, in the wool Democrat, whose 
standard has been, raised on every plank, and on every plat- 
form that supports him. 

Most reputable, and most disreputable fellow-citi- 
zens — Democrats, Populists, Prohibitionists, Free 
Traders and Anarchists ! — 

An^'thing less than raising Hell with the usual 
order of events, and crossing the Styx, must and will 
be decried from this platform, of which I may observe 
in passing, the fewer the planks, the better the form, 
reform not included. 

My friend, a democrat in good standing, who may 
address you this evening, is accused of possessing too 
much honesty, but too little cash. He trusts during 
the ensueing canvas, to effect an interchange of these 
commodities, which will redound to his credit : im- 
prove his social, his political, and his financial stand- 
ing. What has he accomplished ? He has worshipped 
the Ragbaby, kneeled at the feet of the Silver Idol, 
made love to the Single Tax heresy, and proposed to 
Miss Free Trade in everything ! And finally, wnth all 
these leap year opportunities has sifted through his 
own platform, and struck bottom substantially. Salt 
him down ! 

What are we here for, and for what ? The Demo- 
cratic party is discredited, its authority disputed, and 
mortgaged to a thousand factions. We are advised 
that there are too many tramps, place hunters, and 
fishmongers in the rank and file to knit them together. 
It is a period of Secession, Dissension and Ascension 
in politics. Let us organize ! 

Thousands of knightly Swiss, iron-clad and hirsute 
editors, hanging in the financial balance, are clam- 
moring for support. Let them arise with the bird 
that crows long and lustily, and gather together the 
fowls of the prairie, and the fish of sea, and display 
our colors on sheets resplendent with illustrations, the 



denizens of Noah's Ark: the ante-deluvian rehcs of a 
by-gone Age ! Shall we not denounce the Sun of New 
York, which has arisen with a flood of light above the 
democratic horizon, followed by a score of hand-organs 
that repudiate repudiation, and fail to denounce our 
denounciators ! The principals 'underlying that 
organ are characterized by two truths, three lies and 
four prevarications. Again the "blankerty-blank 
blowhard," though ablaze with partisan zeal, and pop- 
ular vigour has kicked over the editors ink-pot, and as 
an organ is turned by a crank whose unmusical 
squeak and pityful bark is as painfully apparent as 
his hairy parent. The finger marks of the printers 
devil are displayed on every page, and the seat of his 
intelligence has shifted to the Torrid Zone of political 
discussion. Valiant soldiers indeed ! Their wit 
stalled, their seats installed, they cover their retreat 
with armed chairs. Where is the standard we have 
faithfully followed the last four years, and where are 
the planks in the platform we stood on during the last 
campaign? From prairie to prairie, and from Sewallto 
Sewall we have searched in vain. Again we are charged 
with reaping the fruits of our partisan policy. It is an 
infamous lie; for we have neither sat in the council 
chamber, filled a lucrative office, or been the beneficiary 
of any appropriation. Our party was placed in power 
to disseminate the doctrine of Free Trade, to anihilate 
protection to American. industries, to reduce taxation 
and the public debt, and to utterly destroy the trusts 
imposed upon us. We were elected to relieve the 
people of gigantic corporations and syndicates, and all 
burdens incident to political preferment. What is the 
outcome? Our influential friends and acquaintances 
have run to cover within the charmed circle of profit- 
able trusts and combines, and the solid yeoman who 
placed them in power are left without office or emolu- 
ment. Our votes have been cast like pearls before 
swine. A revision of tariff" has engulfed American 

ID 



enterprise from North to South. The importer is found 
at home as well as abroad ; for we find those who have 
nothing of domestic manufacture to wear, except the 
broad smile incident to a political euchre and constant 
practice before the bar. This gentleman is a leap-year 
circus. Three platforms under the same canvas and no 
wool in the canvas ! In convention assembled, we are 
Chicagoed. Can we therefore express our honest 
convictions upon the public stage since that event ? 
We will not unbosom our innermost thoughts, for 
that would be corrupt and illfated politics. What is 
the party programme ? How shall we decorate our 
banners with triumphant branches and cover our 
tables with the truits of our industry? We believe in 
immigration, emmigration and colonization of voters 
as long as we can achieve partisan success. We shall 
equip Burros with annexes and caudle appendages. 
Burros saddled and bridled and mounted with Knights 
of Honor. A Burro of intelligence will be inaugurated 
whose ears will reach to every corner of the Universe 
and whose tail will flirt with every political organiza. 
tion in existence. Salt them down in Bryan, for we 
neither advocate his doctrine, drink his whiskey, or 
sound his praises ! Where are we ? Where ? The 
Greenbackers have repudiated currency, and taken up 
with hard money ! Where are the Populists ? Who 
neither take to water or a bath. Their sockless lead- 
ers patronize our best hotels, travel abroad, smoke 
Havanas, drink champaigne and advocate hard cider to 
their constituents. Salt them down ! 

Wliat do we see in the horizon favorable to demo- 
cratic ascendency ? Nothing ! Nothing indeed but 
the Silver Moon reflecting the Son from Nebraska, 
and the old clothes we are destined to wear in the 
next canvas. Caught by a financial cyclone, some of 
us may be forced into a new suit of stripes and bars^ 
and safely immured behind the walls of the county 
castle, but this apparel would debar us from a tri- 



umphant return after the campaign. I repudiate the 
suggestions in toto. In the meantime our garments 
shall hang in effigy, to demoralize the crows that 
hover around and threaten our political existence. 
Where are our office seekers, where? Our ranks are 
depleted by their uncompromising partisanship and 
devotion to their personal interests. They have be- 
come unreliable factors in every campaign and on 
every issue. Salt them down ! This Administration 
has sold 262 millions of gold bonds to the Gold Bugs. 
How many Gold Bugs are there in our ranks for cam- 
paign purposes? They are unpopular and unpatriotic 
supporters of this Government. Bury the Gold Bugs 
and sing a requiem ! We most emphatically repudi- 
ate all bugs within the democratic circle. And since 
we may be^found associating with fellows whose rank 
odour is unquestioned, we absolutely refuse to rehearse 
our hotel experience in this City ! Again, how many 
Silver Bugs are there in our party ? None you reply, 
and we support your theory. Certainly not ; compari- 
son is odious, since we are asked. 

"How many Silver bugs make one Gold bug?" 
We answer, intrinsically-thirty, but the conversion will 
never be affected. Transmutation of metals is an im- 
possibility, but the transmutation of politicians is not 
only a po.ssible.^but popular fad ! The Silver flyer is 
not impressed with any argument. L^et him resent the 
allegation and denounce the allegator, who born 
under a Southern Sun, defies the head as well as the 
tails of the ticket. The 950 million dollar coinage 
of Silver India, is intrinsically worth one half its for- 
mer value, and the 750 millions of Silver China, is 
not only served the same way commercially, but 
well Jappaned ! Where is our Income Tax, where? 
And where is our income under this Administration 
anyway ! The Supreme Court of the United States 
finds no man guilty of enjoying an income of four 
thousand dollars per annum. Not even a Congress- 

12 



man lobbying for a railroad company, or a Wall Street 
broker in "four per cents." The tax is unconstitu- 
tional! Let us revise the decision of the Supreme 
Court, and preserve them in the most orthodox man- 
ner. 

We confront the issues of the day, and what are 
they? We want neither expansion nor innovation, 
protection or taxation of any kind or description ! 
Above all things, let us not be burdened with ideas ! 
For they have broken the planks in every platlorm we 
have supported, and threatened us with political ex- 
tinction! From a medical standpoint, we advocate 
Free Trade in Plasters, as a panacea for all ills, for- 
eign and domestic. The tax on Tobacco, Whiskey, 
Cigars and Champaigne are both iniquitous and bur- 
densome. Let us cast aside all forms of taxation to 
relieve us not only from taxation incident to protect- 
ing our own interests but Revenue also ! We are ad- 
vised that when we adopt Free Trade, "we shall have 
a future in politics, '^ as we shall embrace both a prin- 
cipal and a better half! The bachelor tax, since the 
days of Adam, (I mention him with respect since he 
possessed more ribs than he knew what to do with,) 
has awakened some enthusiasm and tempted some 
reprisals, and by George the socialist, and women suf- 
fragists in general, has cordial support ! The public 
garrets and cellars are filled with literature on the 
subject, and our government archives are enriched with 
volumes that have come to stay. Requiescat in Pace • 
Let us have Free Coinage ! Free coinage in Pig Iron, 
Lead, Zinc, Tin and Antimony ! Should that not 
suffice, let us coin our Oxygen, our Hydrogen and our 
Holland Gin ! One of my friends, who practices 
before the bar in the most approved fa.shion, in what 
capacity I will not venture to relate, out of respect for 
his illegal attainments and bibulous verbosity, has 
suggested ; that if we are not Chicagoed and Shanghied 
in the coming campaign, we may congratulate our- 

13 



selves. Two 3'ears ago, with the Executive, the Sen- 
ate, the House of Representatives, and five hundred 
millions of hard Silver Dollars in the Treasury of the 
United States ! we had hard times, and hard times we 
still have ! Salt that down in Bryan ! Where are the 
fruits of our democratic policy? Where? We have 
raised corn in Honolulu and eggs in the United 
States. Summum Bonum ! I beg to call your 
attention, briefly, to the profitable margins noted in 
in this industiy ! As an illustration of the beauties 
of Free Trade on one hand, and the single tax theory 
on the other, as the hen alone appears on the tax 
duplicate. We exhibit an egg. It being something 
substantial, and available, you will support my theory. 
It is ripe. It has reached the year of discretion. It 
preaches an eloquent gospel, its doctrine is as em- 
phatic as its perfume is pronounced. It is here to 
resent any slur cast on this party platform. It will 
have its rise and its fall under the protecting wings of 
Cleveland's Administration, and is therefore as effec- 
tive a democratic argument to-day as it has been in 
the past. Let it be preserved, and well preserved, 
salted, and resalted in Bryan ! During the heated 
controversy at the Chicago convention, some eggs 
hatched, and some exploded. Should there be any 
democratic eagles present that took flight in that 
memorable occasion, let them take a seat on this 
platform. None present, certainly not, they have gone 
over to the enemy's camp ! Let us banquet, eat and 
crow ! for crow it is I I am asked, who and where 
are the great Unwashed ! I am greatly annoyed at 
the suggestion, as it appears to be both an impertinent 
as well as pertinent question. I shall endeavor to 
answer the doubter, by suggesting that he has mis- 
taken his calling, but has the call ! He may not be a 
liar, but personally I am neither on the witness stand 
or on the wash-stand. Therefore, he should be made 
to understand that this is a well washed platform, that 



the democrats being in office and in power, are not 
responsible for any stand on the issues of the day. If 
there are any of the great unwashed present this 
evening, who have been overlooked, or who feel 
slighted for any lack of attention on our behalf; I beg 
to advise them, that they are cordially invited to 
ascend the platform and take part in the proceedings 
that are to follow! We have preached Gold to our 
bosom friends and Silver to our constituents, and 
pause for relief until the day of election We are told 
our prospects are going up, but the financial flue is 
not mentioned. Never mind — pay your bills in a fifty- 
three-cent Silver Dollar, and when you get into 
trouble again, square your accounts with pig iron, or 
any thing else that occurs to you. 

The Silver Knight, in his Robe de-nuit, 
Is a Knight in distress you see. 

He swears valiantly, charges with Quixotic valor the 
windmills of Trade and Commerce, and wins neither 
our gratitude or the golden treasures of reward. We 
all enjoy patting the back of a winning horse, or 
shaking the phalanges of a notability. Having for 
years had the more or less laudable ambition to gain 
an interview with the Moses of the Democracy, who 
smote the silver rock with the golden rod, and mort- 
gaged his party to the Gold bugs. I prepared a set 
speech for the trying ordeal, being duly and piscatorily 
impressed with his weight, avoirdjipois. 

As citizens of the Great Republic, we are welcome 
to enter the time honored portals of the White House, 
but as full fledged politicians, we are eyed with sus- 
picion, and maneuver for the crumbs that fall from 
the Executive table. Unfortunately my eff"orts were 
not crowned with the success anticipated. I was 
advised to charter a New Bedford whaler, and pore 
over the pages of Sir Isaack Walton for inspiration 
and advice. A clean sweep was in order, as the 

15 



mudslingers of the West and South, had plyed their 
avocation on the walks on the White House, and the 
footprints of the Populists had left a sandy impression 
upon the floors. The Mansion was in process of 
being repainted and refurnished at our expense as the 
Silver bugs had registered their discontent on its 
tapistries. I therefore executed a flank movement, 
as all the avenues of approach are rigidly guarded 
against the ofi&ce seeker, I encountered in fact on 
this memorable occasion, the physician, who while 
hurriedly taking his departure, politely advised me 
that in consequence of an accession to the ranks of 
the democracy in that immediate neighborhood, I had 
best nurse my prospects and my discontent, since 
nursing was in order. I paused and pondered, it was 
a giltedged reprisal with a silver lining, and I retired 
to a neighboring bar for encouragement, where a 
young man struck up the popular ballad "After the 
Ball," and I sought more encouragement. However 
a democrat sukstantially in good standing, confidenti- 
ally informed me that on the following morning Gro- 
ver would take a run to Rum Bay. on the Revenue 
Cutter "General Deficiency," a Jeffersonian fishing, 
and a Jacksonian duck hunting trip being in order 
leaving at 8 A. M. Being duly accredited and legally 
advised, I arrived promptly at 7:79, just in time to 
catch a glimpse of the distinguished party ascending 
the gangway. With my Chief of Staff, I reached out 
to gain the long wished for interview, and fortunately 
caught the slack of his trousers, but the garment 
being imported from England, gave way under pres- 
sure of American events and I gained at that moment a 
most impressive view of the Chief Executive. I was 
checked in my enthusiastic devotion to the party, but 
carried away with me as a souvenir of his loyalty to 
his cousins across the pond, a convincing emblem of 
" Tar iflf Reform." Let us raise the democratic stand- 
ard and march to Victory ! 

16 



U. gopuletp |^peser)f(2ili©r). 

Fellow Citizens: — I take great pleasure this eve- 
ning in introducing to your notice, a statesman from 
Kansas. You know him well. He plants his feet on 
the Shoe and Leather industry of this great country, 
wears the medal, but no foot-gear. He is not imbued 
with sectional animosty, neither is he a tenderfoot, but 
a tried politician, who cultivates yarns and wears 
wool a yard wide. He tows cotton into the canvas, 
and canvasses on his silver toes. He preaches no com- 
promise in politics, and patriotically insists that the 
Tariff is a local issue. Should forsooth you differ 
from him on the question of protection to American 
industries, raise the issue at once, for something must 
be raised with which to pay your taxes. In conclu- 
sion I might add, that his standing is not in question, 
for Uncle Sam pays him for his affix, with persistent 
regularity in Gold on demand. 

He is present, presentable, persuasive and pro- 
nounced, and in the words of the immortal Cocopah 
Poet, he 

"A sockless Sockdologer socked socks on the side. 
And sued Sanders for slander and Slade for a slide." 

Let US mint our Peffers and coin our peppermint. 



17 



Setlx ytjiztl Boyv^r) ii) J^pyar). 

When you catch it rather fresh 
And o'er the rails it shows two tails 
Just nab a whale without a quail 

And salt that down in Bryan. 

Alaska seal were raised to steal 

Why not be chipper and nail the skipper 

Catch a crab and another flipper 

And salt that down in Bryan. 

With Mal-de-Mer you need some care 
And getting ill must swallow a pill, 
Take a Nebraska reliever, a dose of hay-fever 
And salt that down in Bryan. 

Now hitch your hobby to a silver Tommy 
And ring your bell for a Texas yell 
For the cotton bug sits on the rug 

And salt that down in Bryan. 

The Income Tax was made of 'wax 
And the Wilson Bill was full of swill, 
We called in Bull and kicked out wool 
And salt that down in Bryan. 

And should the moon pop up too soon 
And the Silver breeze begin to freeze 
And chickens hatch with none to match 
Ju.st salt them down in Bryan. 



DEE BEE "ILL. 

NEW YORK. 

("why I AM A TRAVNOR.") 

Off-colored and top-heavy candidates trained and 
weighted for the campaign. 

Partisan Burros docked. 

Dark horses clipped and branded. 

Ringers doctored and reinstated. 

Antediluvian pets groomed and fed. 

Twin-tailed candidates embalmed and shipped to 
hades. 

A full supply ot gratuitous advice, "G" strings, 
high steppers, ancestral shoes and stockings. 

"SILVER BIEL." 

NEVADA. 

POP BROKER. 

Money loaned on Eyes, Chestnuts and Boomer- 
angs ; principal and interest payable in gold. 

Income Tax Vouchers. 

Eternal Revenue Stamps. 

Tariff Dams and Tinkers, (b-d.) 

Wigwams, Fences, Sure things. 

Free Trade Freshets, Comets and Eclipses. 

Planks and Platforms. 

Senatorial Endorsements. 

Gila Monsters and Political Monstrosities. 

Log-rollers, Congressional speeches, Grips and 
Boodle. 



19 



(lip ©Gtli l\iwr. 



The Steamboat Toboggan Slide will leave the Ad- 
ministration Docks daily. Music furnished by the 
Insolvency Band. Wah Hoo Meshakerty, Past Grand 
Master. 

The Silver Plate used on this s-teamer is identical with the silver 
legislated for and coined by Incle Sam. Having relegated in value dur- 
ing the years of its coinage, forty per cent., it is sent up Salt River with 
the politicians who support it. 



^' 



cr)U. 

Soup— A/l IniL BouWion—lViih Ire. 

Chowder — Grasshopper. 

Horse Mackerel— a la Sewall, JMaine. Crawfish— a la Prairie. 

Planked Shad— Crisp, on Rules. Birdb' ^&^\.&— Feathered. 

Tarantulas— a la Boom-de ay. Mosquitoes— /^^.y^v- 

Centipedes— a la "400" Sharks P'ins— a la Syndicate. 

Owls — Campaign. Snipe— 16 /o i. Canvasback — 30/01. 

Cotton Tail— a la JVatson. Ducks - IVhite House Decoy. 

Qrovf— Executive. Sage Hens— /« Council. 

Congress Gators — On Toast. 

Turkey— rt la Stuffed Prophet. ^^^i— Jerked a la Mode. 

Crackers — Southern. Boston Bread — Harveyized. 

Hard Tack— (9w the Bench. Feauuis— Executive Session. 

Yams— Kickapoo style. Leaks— /^z the Reserve Futid. 

Navy Beans— Counted Out. 

Ketchup— With the Procession. Champaigue — 7>;i:a.y. 

Tom and Jerry — Sockless and Merry. 

Qheese— Hochwohlgeborenzweibeervonkatzenjami)ier. 

Back Seat Cordials and Administration Bitters. 

Sauerkraut — Towed in. 

Lemons — Nebraska. Pineapples— TJ/azw^. • 

Qxapes— Seedless and Rare— Gold exclusively— No silver there 



oasfs. 



Split Tickets Snowed Under 

Prohibition Prohibited Kentucky Belle. 



Marylanded Damphools in Office. 



20 




U..--.V' 



Der bed bug vas a bad bugbear, 

Der silber bug der same; 
Der Big Bug rait der silber craze 

Vas sit on in der gatae. 

Dose silber bugs vas a button abiece, 
Financial accidents on vone side ; 

Aber de voters vat blay dot game, 
Vos split mit dails und dickets vide. 



21 



(Der Bolitishun.) 

Dot settles dot ! 

Der vas a misunderstanding mit politicks! Ever- 
ding goes amiss mit der candidates. I vas a mis- 
judge aber Grover vas ein mistake. He got some 
misinformation und misques, und der office seeker gets 
vimmins suflfrage und de peoples gets no brotection 
Mein frends I kom mit some labor und kapital zu 
Vashington, und der money vas mispent mit dose 
bapers I gets no office mit der government aber I 
got dose back seat cordials aod financial bitters. Dey 
say Grover vas ein Damney Brave aber I dinks he vas 
a mischief one Buffalo. He stands around purty veil 
mit Missouri, und Mississippi, und sometimes mit 
Ivousyanna, vere dey make dose levees, und moonshine 
viskey, und spends de peobles money, aber Jake dat 
vas me, vants no more mit dat picnic business. De 
hotel clerk mit em Paul Kruger dimond, von 
Mantabeleland vas so smart. He picks me up right 
avay, und says, hello ! Jack, how you vas ? Veil I vos 
hunkydory, und vas shook, und don't you forget dot. 
He says dere vas a misentry on de hotel register von 
your blace, und you vas here vor ein misdemeanor, 
how vas dot? Nixy, aber dat vas a puzzle von der 
half shell. He makes me acquainted mit Misspickel 
and says I vas von Chagrin Falls on boliticks, vas 
flush und baints der down braun anyvay. Dot settles 
it. I vas in der swim. I hev mein nomination in der 
bocket just four weeks last Vensday, ven de committee 
koms around und says Jake, ven you puts up de rocks 

22 



und ryes, ve rings you in. Furdermore ven you 
shells oud ve give you de office. Aber mein frend 
Mossback aus lyexington says dot vas ein misplaced 
confidence game und her Kernel drops oud of it. 
Major voa Knickerboker aus Salamanca says, I vas a 
Lombardy popular in boliticks aber I vas not in id vor 
backing. Id vas not possible to make de canvas in 
dose bants, he looks me over vonce or twice und 
says, Jake 3'ou vas a turnip vor a drump, aber dose 
bants strike bottom mit both ends — financially. Dot 
settles dot. Ve sitz down on der big bug vor 
silber. Got in Himmel ! De darkey vaiter says 
dere vas no vool in de canvas or de bants edar, 
und der Major vas a tarn rascal und voll von 
misdeeds. Dot red-headed barber vot scratched all 
de statesmen Vest von der Mississippi river, says: 
Jake you drow de sponge up bavor de campaign vas 
ofer. Sure! Dot vos all right, I have de sponge ! He 
said I vas a bone of contention, und makes a misprint 
in my speech on boliticks, dot ve prohibit prohibition 
in der brauerei. Dot vas anodder tam lie. I vas a 
demagogue und a fillibuster von wayback und dose 
vellows never koms around mid my blace. 

Ven I kums zu Vashington der hotel porter says : 
dere vas ein miscarriage von justice und fat offices in 
every case dot koms up vor revision. Dey hangs de 
nominations und der mistletoe in de Vite House, dot 
was a silber exhibit. Schon ! Ve settles dot. Grover 
vas der missing link aboud Christmas. Claus Spreck- 
els says Grover Cleveland makes drubles in de Pacific. 
He vants Liliuokalani, Queen von der Sandwich 
Islands und kicks, because dere vas no beer mit dot 
sandwich, und drows salt und pepper into Honolulu 
right avay. De frau don't like dot and drows ever- 
dings overboard — sweeps der deck, und says dat 
Grover's foreign bolicies don't mix mid dose domestic 
bolicies — schon ! He vas presented mid dree misses 
mid black eyes, und dose girls vas no misques, dree of 

23 



dat kind vas petter as two bears. Der Baron von 
Schmierkase aus Kalamazoo says dere vas a misconcep- 
tion aboud boHticks every vich vay. Jake, you have 
to learn some lessons in dis kountry — und money talks. 
Dave Hill says Cleveland vas a mis-an-trope — dot 
zounds like de young lady der street ofer. Aber I 
dinks he vas. He says dere vas ein miscount in de 
election returns, und dey vas Baron von Results. Veil 
I don't know dot vellow, aber de boys vant der oyster 
count in boliticks, ven Jake pays de bill, yah! Der 
komittee chairman says, Jake you have some miscel- 
laneous acquaintances to recommend you to office I 
suppose, und furdermore you vont fail to show your 
bibulous temperment during de canvas. Veil, I 
make dot all right, he dinks dot vos a surprise barty. 
Nit ! De boys say I vas a scorcher von der shule 
district und runs der gaunlet zu Congress on a bicycle. 
I vas sky high, und ven I drops out mit Vashington — 
I durns up missing in dis blace — gets married vor 
support, and goes mit der fish-ball somewhere zwischen 
Bryan von Nebraska und derSewall. Und dot settles 
dot. 

Leap year Proposal — Sixteen to one. 
Leap year Surprise — More tails than heads. 



24 



Dear Jake: 

I send you some greedings ous St. Louis, von der 
Base Silver Ball Klub, aber dey vas brincipally 
Chicagoes. Bryan vas der bowler und pitcher und 
vas voll von soft soap. He koms aus der Platte von 
Nebraska in a box. Id vas not a band box, aber der 
band plays on de box. Der furst ball vas so voll von 
pitch, dat id struck der Populists all over, und dey 
tied a Vatson string to de ball aus Georgia vich vas at 
stake. Der second ball knock-ed der grandstand ofer 
und some beoptles vas killed dead. Aber dey vas 
brincibally animosities von der oder klub, und vas 
buried an- der-ground. Sewall vas de backstop von der 
vaters edge und vas fixed up purty veil mit life-pre- 
servers und feder beds, vich masks de situation. His 
main stay vas a spanker sheet vat stops all de wind 
von der players und on account of de vedder der ball 
vas caught mit a foghorn. Der Maine dail to der 
ticket vas a bigbug, und a bugbear on der bag, und 
gets der sack von de Populists. Dose vellows runs off 
mit Georgia vor anodder catcher. Der silber bat vas 
just so blind as before, und vas a fowl bird mid dwo 
dails und no fedders. Der furst fellow up vas Teller 
aus Colorado. He hit der lining von der silber home 
plate und vent oud mit a fly zu furst on Turbentine 
baber, und vas stuck on der proposition. Vest got his 
base on ball-bearing sockets, und kom home mit a 
scorcher in der field, vich vas left. One run in der 
vest. Der silber ball hugged der dimond purty veil 
every dime id goes oud mit der dimond-der klub 
makes nine errors. Dose vellows cut all kind of figures, 

25 



outside und inside, mit der dimond, iind vars der leder 
medal. Pettigrew vas bigger as before, ven he koms 
up to bat vor base bullion, und not vor runs, he vent 
oud mit der strikers-goes off der handle, und runs 
avay mit der bench. Every ball player vas protected 
mit tariflf reform to suit. Dey vas varing Scotch 
bants und blays off mit second base, because dey have 
blenty of vind, und de beoples gets de sarne ting in 
boliticks. Attgeld got some spit on his hands, und 
set up der windmill on der home-plate vor Anarchy. 
He was bottled. Boies vas knock-ed ofer mit der silber 
ball und vent zu furst base mit der ambulance, und 
looks der field ofer. Cannon, aus Utah, knock-ed der 
hide von der Mormon ball, und koms home mit dree 
girls on every arm. One run mit six petticoats. Der 
cotton bugs von der Soud. vant more silber catchers 
und der silber bugs vat blays ball, vants more cotton 
battin. Der bases und der grandstand vas intoxicated 
mit candidates, und dose candidates vas vol! von der 
silber admosphere. Dere vas blenty von base steal- 
ing, aber no hits vas made in der campaign mit der 
Silber Klub. Dey vas Popocrats. Der vampire holds 
der Klub down every dime und dey gets noding vat 
vas not paid vor in bullion, because dey blay baby 
ball, dey gets no Seignorage. Fudermore, der Silber 
Klub took a drop too much, vas knockedup, vas 
blanketed vor repairs, und ven dey koms home, vas 
rubbed down right avay. 

Hochwohlgeborenzweibeervonkatzenjammer. 

A Yankee perogative is to be a presidential nomi- 
nee. 



26 



^ris ©r) fr)e liiui of Kerpe.. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
Crack your pistol, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
Call the coon in a canter for candy and crow, 
Cats, canines and cucumbers for candidates you know. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
A political gingle, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
The new comer is a hummer, a political drummer, 
Pays his bills and stays all summer. 

Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
Blow your whistle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
Behold a headless tail a stewing, 
Mark the billing and cooing and tommy cat wooing. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle. 
The latest wrinkle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
With limburger cheese and a plenty of breeze. 
The Populist speakers began to sneeze. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
On the popocrat griddle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
Pop pealed and peppered the bun for fun. 
And Topeka Peffer piped a pot-house pun. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

27 



Its hey diddle, diddle, 
Split in the middle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
With a twang and a bang and another harrague. 
They busted the platform and wrecked the shebang. 
Tis on the bill cf fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
Without any quibble, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
There is Sewall and Billy-Bill and nil, 
With plum pudding Tommy thrown into the swill. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle. 
Another wrinkle, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
The worst for the thirst, Nebraska wurst. 
Bill dined and wmed and in eloquence he burst. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
All for a nickel, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
This bicycle meet, both dressy and neat. 
Belles, sprockets and bangles and tiny feet, 
Tis on the bill of lare. 

Its hey diddle, aiddle. 
The pot and kettle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
There is sour apple, crab apple, sweet applesass. 
With cider thrown in and a comely lass, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle. 
Your palate to tickle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
Strawberry, dewberry, plum, blackberry, cranberr3\ 
Baited with rum, gooseberry, huckleberry on the run. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

28 



Its hey, diddle, diddle, 
A play and riddle, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
There is no missing the kissing from parlor to kitchen, 
The splicing and hiding and spoony divining. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Tis hey diddle, diddle. 
All in a pickle, 

Tis on the bill of fare. 
There is beer and boiled owl, a monk with a cowl, 
A silver fool and another howl. 

Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
Molasses and trickle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
Pat's Billy goat swallowed the cross and crown, 
And Bridget boiled her soft soap down. 
Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle, 
The bow and fiddle, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
Cocktail, sherry and wines, telegraph poles, 
The latest finds, champaigne, cherry bounce, punch in 
rhymes. 

Tis on the bill of fare. 

Its hey diddle, diddle. 
Basket and thimble, 
Tis on the bill of fare. 
The priest and the nun, will have lots of fun. 
After the campaign is lost and won. 

Tis on the bill of fare. 



29 



A Bum, no hum, some rum I suppose 

A buster for bluster, and a duster for clothes, 

A penny a pound for platforms round and swell, 
A prayer and a pointer, a silver annointer as well. 

A Silver shoe, and a bottle for you, on the side, 

A moon and a spoon, and a Silver boom for the bride. 

Just Teller about Boies, Dubois and Pettigrew 
How Bland and Blackburn and Pennoyer blew. 

How Cannon was fired at Altgeld and Mantle, 
How the silver fools were caught in battle. 

Less alert, less work, less spurt for a show. 

More cash, more hash, and more smash you know. 

Not a dime, but a damn, not a cent for the man 
Who preaches repudiation and Silver for Sam. 



e/ldvicc i© \&uv> \fj0r)qr'essir)(2[r) \AIr)(, 
V/ofeel tr)(z ffi/ilsor) j^ill. 



ECCE HOBO. 

When you have placed your heels in the highest attain- 
able position, which is doubtless a very lofty one in your 
instance. We beg to advise you, that you will strike an 
attitude in which you will be enabled to display all the intelli- 
gence you ever possessed. 

The Judge sat on the paper of tacks 
These pointed arguments proved very cold facts. 
His decision ruled out another ruled in. 
From the Bench to the Bar he howled for Gin. 

We sent him to Congress on a high rolling tide, 
He voted Free Trade and a Holy Smoke divide 
He preached Silver at home and drew solid Gold, 
Up Salt River he goes, and down in the hold. 

30 



v^JDaciKar) rleiypei^e. 



Thar be more tarnal cussedness in politics than 
thar ever waz. Folks is a saying thar be more tails 
than heads in the presidential canvas. Thar always 
will be more tales about the candidates than thar 
ought to be. Hezakiah allows they be lies or prevari- 
cations and they hez no business a swinging around the 
circle. Howemsoever, I reckon the ticket that Barnum 
ought to hev is the ticket for me to dew up. I am a 
cornhusker from the log cabin on the square, and be a 
canvassing for pumpkin heads with eloquence and 
two tales for the Fall Campaign. Thar '1 be a rush for 
pumpkin pie, and our bill of fare afore Thanksgiving. 
Cleveland hez got to thank em for their political offer- 
ings, but I calkerlate thar be few thanks a coming to 
him, for I hain't made a dollar under this administra- 
tion, and thar be 514 million silver Dollars in the 
United States treasury, stuck in the mud, wot won't 
circulate. 

I reckon it be our turn for a rakeoff on the farm- 
We hez turned the sod over four times for fun, and I'll 
be durned if we ain't billed for the turnovers all round, 
and we calkerlate to turn over the hull golldanged 
party this Fall and bury on em deeper than Prohibi- 
tion, and no moonshine. The candidates wot be in 
the field hez been a-splitting rails and planks the hull 
Summer, and some on 'em hez got to ride orthodox. 
The boys hez been a bringing hum campaign litera- 
ture for more than a month, and a piling of it up in 
the woodshed. The rats and mice hez a pic-nic a 
cracking jokes, and devouring solid information. 
Them thar rodents is not agoing to schewl, but they 
is edicating themselves for future usefellness. I 
allowed petitioning Congress for an]addition to the 

31 



woodshed, as the politicians is responsible for the 
literature, but the Galoot from our deestrict is a no 
account fellow, wot sot around on the rail fences at 
the corners, until some one waz fool enough to nomi- 
nate him for Congress. He is a drawing of his salary 
and a getting no thanks. 

Hezakiah hez asked me several times wot ticket I 
waz agoing to vote and hez numbered em to keep 
track on em, calkerlating to draw the winner in Nov- 
ember. I don't zacly like his question, because I hez 
shouted for the dangest fools agoing, and hez had to 
crawfish with some on em on my back. Hezakiah 
allows that the corn haz tossled out higher than ever, but 
the price on it, is nearer the ground floor than it haz 
been for forty years, and as long as he wears last 
year's burrs and thistles on his overalls, I hain't 
a voting his ticket. Some of the candidates this year 
is seedy enough to plant, and enrich the sile. Thar 
be a pesky sight of political tramps in the field wot 
preaches the opposite doctrine every campaign. They 
be chesnuts and boomrangers. Some on em ought to 
be pensioned ofi" to dispose of 'em. Fer myself, I 
calkerlate to quit raising corn and hogs, and seed 
down the tarnal farm with wild oats, and raise hell with 
the politicians this ere Fall. We hev got to organize 
a Cabbage and Persimmon syndicate. Them thar 
combines hez got the margins and we kentry jakes 
hez got the frills and is sot back. The Farmers' Alli- 
ance hez insured the health and wealth of this kentry 
long enough. We don't mind a supporting the oyster 
counts of the Atlantic with blue points, but when we 
hez to support the bulls and the bears of titled Europe, 
furnishing the girls and the gold, and keeping of the 
silver ourselves, I am counted out to stay. 

The damn fools is in ofiice, and it be purty gol- 
darned near time for us fellows to kick up a boom, 
and take a rake-off, and that, gentlemen, is what we 
is here for. OBADIAH HAYRAKE. 

32 



A GUIDE UP SALT RIVER. 

Illustrated with some of the broadest features developed in the campaign. 

10 CENTS. 

JAKE BRAUN, Der Bolitishun, 

Und der Silber Big Bug. 




Der bed bug vas a bad bvigbear, 

Der silber bug der same; 
Der Big Bug niit der silber craze 

Vas sit on in der game. 

Dose silber bugs vas a button abiece, 
Financial accidents on vone side ; 

Aber de voters vat blay dot game, 
Vos split mit dails und dickets vide. 



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